Those double knots are the story of my life. I, for 34 years and 11.5 months, have double knotted every aspect of my life. I have been the epitome of safe living. Always afraid of messing up or getting into trouble, I have done exactly what was expected and always what was safe. I'm not talking about just wearing my seat belt or driving below the speed limit; I'm talking about doing what I "should" because it involved no risk. I'm talking about doing what was safe and easy so I could avoid tripping myself.
When I was in school, I was every teacher's dream and my own worst nightmare. I studied nonstop, always did my work, and never questioned what I was being taught. Academics were the priority, even to the point of forfeiting fun. As a high school senior, I chose to attend college in my hometown and live at home because I was afraid of moving away from the familiar. My fear cost me a real college experience, and I've already told my children they will be forced to go away from home after high school. They will not be allowed to live so double-knotted that they miss what life has to offer. I have too much experience in that realm to allow it to become their reality.
I've learned that there's a huge difference between apprehension-induced inactivity and flat out fear-causing paralysis. Paralysis has been where I have lived, and I'm so over it.
Don't expect me to start sky-diving or driving a motorcycle. Those are risks I don't think I'll ever be willing to take - I'm just a scaredy-cat when it comes to those, and I'm ok with that. I do hope that in my 35th year, however, I will loosen the knots that have strangled the life out of me and will step outside of my comfortable boxed-in life. What will this look like? Nothing radical, probably, but it will (hopefully) radically impact my daily life.
First, more writing. I know that I have kept my words to myself for fear of how they'll be received, and it's absolutely ridiculous. God has called me to write, people have responded to my words, and it is what makes me fully alive. My husband literally just moments ago signed me up for a writing conference, and I have to submit my writing by Sunday. Does that make me sweat? Absolutely. But sweat won't kill you. Denying your purpose just might.
Today I read these words from Anne Lamott about why writing matters: "Writing and reading decrease our sense of isolation. They deepen and widen and expand our sense of life; they feed the soul. When writers make us shake our heads with the exactness of their prose and their truths, and even make us laugh about ourselves or life, our buoyancy is restored. We are given a shot at dancing with, or at least clapping along with, the absurdity of life, instead of being squashed by it over and over again. It's like singing on a boat during a terrible storm at sea. You can't stop the raging storm, but singing can change the hearts and spirits of the people who are together on that ship."
Yes! That's why I will write - I want to stop being squashed by the absurdity of life, instead singing during the terrible storm. This is why I will write, because this is what we were meant to do.
How else will I loosen the knots? I will be more vocal about what I think and what matters. For far too long, I have allowed my full mind to operate nonstop while keeping my voice silent. In groups, I listen and usually defer to others. No more. If I don't agree, I won't acquiesce. If I have an intelligent word on the topic, I will not be quiet just because I don't have a dominant personality. Dominance is just as much a sign of insecurity as silence, so there's no need for me to assume that people who try to steamroll others have any more insight than I do. They are just louder; they are not more right.
I also want to stop being so darn afraid of making mistakes. I want to loosen my collar and kick up my feet every once in a while. I want to have more fun and be more carefree, less worried about imperfections being visible. Who cares if I'm not perfect? (Well, I always have, but that needs to change.) I'm one of those people in my Zumba fitness classes who legitimately cares if I mess up a step. Stupid. That's just stupid. The steps don't matter; the sweat does. The fun does. The steps really don't.
I also want to loosen the knots strangling me when it comes to relationships. 'Once burned, twice shy' is the old saying, and it's unfortunately true when it comes to being hurt by those once close to you. I have allowed past pain to prevent new connections, and there is nothing more dangerous to an introverted soul than unnecessary isolation. I'm tired of being scared to be the real me around people. Either they will like me or they won't. If they don't, oh well. It's not the end of the world. Someone else will.
Quite simply, I want to be a person willing to take more risks. Not unnecessary, foolish risks that endanger my life, but wise risks that open up a world to me that I always held at arm's length. I love this quote: "Take a risk. Be spontaneous. The suffering that might come from a mistake is usually less intense and less enduring than the suffering of asking 'what if?'"
You know what's pretty cool? That manuscript I'm sending Sunday is entitled "What If?"! I think it's a risk I'm willing to take!
Am I the only one living a double-knot life? How are you looking to loosen the knots?
Am I the only one living a double-knot life? How are you looking to loosen the knots?
Photo coursey of http://walsworthfamilycircus.blogspot.com/2010/04/we-are-getting-soooo-goood-at-tying.html
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